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Huge news on the Unforced Errors beat: Mitt Romney is out here on Elizabeth Warren’s Twitter popping off tweets under a pseudonym, and the only reason we know about it is he told a reporter he had a Twitter alt. What in the Br’er Rabbit?! Everyone knows that the first rule of having a Twitter alt is you don’t tell people you have a Twitter alt unless you’re trying to drum up interest in your OnlyFans account. Thankfully, I don’t think we have to deal with that particular wrinkle but nevertheless, we’re in a crisis. I’m headed to my prayer closet.
While being interviewed for a profile, Romney, (unprompted!) told The Atlantic‘s McKay Coppins that he uses a secret Twitter account “to keep tabs on the political conversation.” “What do they call me, a lurker?” he asked Coppins. Yikes! Then, like the guilty party at the climax of an Encyclopedia Brown book, he proceeded to pull out his iPad and rattle off identifying details of his secret alt. So many details, in fact, that Slate‘s Ashley Feinberg, the Encyclopedia Brown of online shenanigans, was able to find the alt and published her results yesterday. Romney has been lurking (YIKES, I SAY!) under the handle @qaws9876 (now set to private) and the name he gave his sneaky digital mask? Pierre Delecto.
So much for Freedom Fries, I guess.
Pierre Delecto sounds like the name that Kermit gives himself in a Muppet movie when he’s going under cover.
Pierre Delecto is a chef in a pulpy mystery novel who is initially suspected of being the Kitchenette Killer but is saved by a plot twist involving the time it takes to make a croquembouche.
Pierre! Delecto! is a spell that the students at Beauxbatons Academy of Magic use to bring their pet rocks to life.
PIERRE DELECTO is the phrase that I will be screaming as they cart me off to Arkham Asylum.
A sitting Senator in a very safe seat is tweeting under a fake name because, apparently, being a sitting Senator in a very safe seat does not give one enough of a platform. Mittchard! What are you doing, Mittchard?
I really have to log on to the rush hour sinkhole that is the internet and read that Senator Romney is lurking around on Twitter under the name Pierre Delecto? Someone please fire me directly into the Great Comet of 1812.
What’s equally egregious is that he isn’t even using his alt for the Universally Agreed Upon Alt Purposes: posting nudes or commenting “yuck” on the selfies of one’s ex. I suppose, it’s also appropriate to use an alt to live-tweet spicy things about Roman Roy and Gerri on Succession if you have one of those jobs where your boss would frown upon inappropriate online behavior but I think it’s safe to say that Senator Mitt Romney, a member of the U.S. government in the year 2019, does not have one of those jobs.
Your dude is out here doing whatever Senators do (cow-towing to Mitch McConnell and hamstringing democracy? IDK) and has enough time to maintain a second Twitter account? Wouldn’t be me. I barely have enough time for my actual thoughts on my actual account. But when I do have a thought (once every Tuesday) I say it with my whole chest and my government name (followed by the pervasive fear of being canceled and chased with a stern letter from HR.)
Romney confirmed to Coppins to the account was his after Feinberg’s article was posted which is also embarrassing. Just like when your parents asked you if you know about the weird sites in the internet history when you were in junior high, if someone calls your office line and says “is this Twitter alt yours” you pretend that you’ve literally never heard of the internet and assure them that they have the wrong number. This is in the Constitution, people! Thou Shall Not Admit to Your Alt! Mittchard! Why are you doing this to me, Mittchard?
If there’s one saving grace to this totally avoidable imbroglio, it’s that it serves as further proof that the world is not run by a secret society of evil geniuses. The world is run by a public society of rich weirdoes who are experiencing their first day on the internet. Pierre Delecto! The name of a villain in a cartoon movie about mimes! Yikes yet again! But if you want to know my real, real opinion, you’re going to have to find and follow my secret alt which is FakeEricReadsTheNews1234@geocities.com.